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Five Great Tips for Getting a Job
Five Great Tips for Getting Your Next Job!
In these tough economic times, you need to stand out and present yourself in the best light possible. Employers are looking for the best candidates to fill the position. Who can blame them? They need one person to work essentially two jobs. Thanks to the power of the Free Market System, they will find that employee….but will it be you? These five tips may not get you the job, but you’ll get a lot closer and you will get noticed.
1. Remove all evidence of being overqualified on your resume. Scrap that Masters degree. Downsize the manager position to Assistant Manager. Make a few spelling mistakes. Toss a few random ‘personal’ facts about running marathons or enjoying cooking. Your marketability will be increased if the person reading your resume is assured they are smarter than you.
2. Speak to the Machine. The brilliance of Human Resource managers can be seen in their ability to weed out candidate’s resumes with software. Make sure you put the words they wrote in their job description in your resume. Spell it the same. If the HR department wrote ‘Word prosessing Applicasions’ in the preferred job requirements, you do it too. Rewrite their exact job title in your objective.
3. Look Eager. Talk vividly with enthusiasm, but appear willing to indenture yourself. If you’re female be single. Imply you have children you need to feed, but that your mother lives with you and will take care of them so you can work all day and night. Prepare for ‘Time and a half’ requests. Don’t flinch if they mention weekends, weeknights, travel… indicate you love being at work, doing work, anything to keep you away from the drudgery of home. Ask if they have a volunteer program.
4. Research. Experts say referrals are key to securing the job these days. Find the name of an elusive but influential board member or large donor and casually mention it in conversation with the word ‘Uncle’ or ‘Cousin’. Volunteer at the Boss’s Wife’s favorite charity and do something particularly noteworthy then casually mention you’re looking for a job. Better yet, hunt down the boss at a bar and ‘entice’ him or her to like you. A lot.
5. Get ahead of the game. Know about the vacancies before they are announced. Read the obituaries. Hire a ‘career hitman’ to be the disgruntled customer that gets someone fired. Do what you can to make sure your job is available so you can step up and take it.
Now, more than ever, it is important to prove to potential employers that you are not too proud to grovel! But that doesn’t mean you have to wait for opportunities to come to you. Make your own opportunities to prove your willingness to work. With the right initiative you can become a winning candidate, and the next Employee of the Month.
Body Fluid Coverage
WARNING: This blog entry contains gross references to body fluids.
My idea of relaxing in front of the TV does not include references to someone else’s body fluids. The breast milk cheese coverage in the Cnn is over the top. It was funny in Borat, but I do not want to watch Kelly Ripa eating someone’s breast milk. Especially in cheese form. Thank you Reality TV for these cherished moments. No canapés for me…ever again. The breast milk cheese story stands out today, but this lack of concern over disgusting viewers is growing in commercials as well. Viagra was problematic for me but I learned to ignore it. However, if I am enjoying a snack in front of the TV why do I have to hear about diarrhea symptoms? Vomiting? Or watch mucus cartoons? ….do we honestly have to listen to these commercials pretending to have professional distance? I’m not a doctor. You aren’t paying me. I pay for this f*king TV service. Gross. Kelly Ripa….That is disgusting. DIS…GUST….ING. Cannibalism is not a party trick.
Ten Ways American Health Insurance is like the Mafia
- You are basicly paying for “protection. (“You pay me, I’ll protect you!”)
- ‘Made’ criminals manage a network of territories and markets
- They send thugs after you if you’re late on your payments.
- Once you’re in, you have to use their services.
- They have bought the police, the governor, the mayor, the judges, the senators….
- They have spies.
- Medical waste is big business.
- When they make you an offer, you can’t refuse.
- If you cause trouble, you may ‘disappear’
- Every time you try to get out…they keep pulling you back in.
This is a Test…
“This is a test. This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.”
For those of us born in the mid 60s the familiar beeping of the Emergency Broadcast System was an irritation, sometimes not minor, depending on how we felt about the interruption during our TV shows. This was before Tivo, there was no rewind and no chance of catching the highlights on the internet. It was also a reminder that there could be a national emergency. We were mindful of nuclear war, Soviet bombs, the red button and the Ayatollah. We dreaded Chernobyl. “If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed where to tune in your area for news and official information”. Around the time Gorbechev “tore down that wall” the message changed. The system acknowledged that there was less risk of bombers honing in on broadcast signals. Ironically, I never knew that. I thought that somehow, the Emergency Alert System (as it would later be called) was still a means of telling the public what to do, what to expect during an emergency. I expect to be ‘instructed where to tune in to for news and official information’. Silly me, I expected someone official to actually care and inform a concerned public. What we got was boosterism, capitalist apologies, and official reassurances that every thing was going to be alright. I recently had to explain the test to my own child. She was concerned about the sound and wanted to know if it meant there was a tornado coming. (She doesn’t know about Chernobyl yet.) She does have a few recommendations for President Obama. My six year old daughter thinks he should arrest the ‘stealers’ who took the money and make them give it back. She’s thoughtful about her growing new vocabulary. She’s interested in what forclosure means… stuff like that.“This is a test. This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.” If this had been an actual emergency, we would recommend against watching it on TV. Or at least Tivo the commercials.
The Credit Avenger
“I have paid my debt”
“You must pay for your debt”
“I have paid my debt”
“I’ll clear your credit report!”
Enter the Credit Avenger, protector of credit and defender of the average consumer. He stands up to the villainous, small-minded vindictive hospitals and credit peddlers with the resolve of a bulldog. Your credit report is not a trashcan for greedy money mongers who have fed off high interest rates and predatory lending. Yes, you have paid. Yes, they are bloated with your blood and rolling in their profits. The Credit Avenger has come to challenge the validity of debts paid. With his battle cry of “I Dispute” he asserts “This is not my debt” and then he disputes again. And again. Until someone is on lunch break and doesn’t respond. Maybe someone is tired, paperwork got lost or late one Sunday night he finds the rare kind person and he can remove the paid debt. “…My Hero!”
Real credit troubles in a surreal world.
Shamingo, Seaworld’s newest killer whale! Picture taken July 2008. The Public Library is aggressively tackling subprime loans, protecting their most valuable VHS collection from the riskiest of borrowers. Specifically, my friend’s four year old daughter. In the worst economy since 1929, at a time of tough credit and crucial credit scores, the Ocean County Library of Tuckerton, NJ chose to take aggressive action against her father, the co-signer of her “loan.” They reported his account as delinquent to all three credit monitoring companies and refused to remove it even after it was paid. It all started with the $1 rental of a Max and Ruby VHS. It ended a year later with a $50 check. If you’re interested in the gory details…they originally rented Max and Ruby for two weeks in November during the Thanksgiving Holiday. When the video came due, she tried to return it after work in the drop box. Of course the drop box had a sign that said NO VIDEOS PLEASE. It was wet, snowy and it seemed a minor courtesy, so she didn’t. Not fully realizing the significance of a Max and Ruby VHS, they proceeded to Florida for Christmas. Two weeks later, back in NJ, the video was returned. The Library tacked on additional fees for various things related to the late video, something like $5 late fees, $10 for being late paying the fees, $20 dollars for ‘collection’ and basicly jacked up the cost to $50. They considered the $50 fee for a VHS that was returned less than a month late downright predatory and refused to pay it. Obviously they quit using the library. The Library reported them and it took formal complaints to the fair credit reporting agency to finally remove the account. I doubt President Obama’s stimulus act is addressing the protection of citizens from the predatory “lending” practices of their public library. Consider yourself warned. You should probably avoid the Ocean County Public Library in Tuckerton, NJ. (Watching Max and Ruby videos is your own business)
